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Tag Archives: parenting tips

The Big Shift: How to Parent from Your Abundance instead of Your Lack

It’s time for a paradigm shift. We must occupy the role of the parent in a whole new way.

According to a 2007 UNICEF study, American kids rank the second unhappiest of all nations. In the UK, 1 in 10 children under 8 say they are unhappy.

As parents, we naturally and intuitively have dire concerns about how happy our kids are, and worry about the world that they grow up in, but we mostly place our focus on external factors such as other children, media, school and social norms. Very seldom do we look within ourselves, not as parents – but as individuals, and go deep into our own core to reveal how our own internal compass affects our children.

There is an emotional blueprint that we all come with, and it is our most valuable tool to becoming the best parents we can be.  If we want our children to be happy and thrive, to be kind and take care of others and the earth, we need to recognize that it starts with us.  We can’t expect our children to hold a higher consciousness if we do not look at how we define ourselves.

Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who has made it her life work to shift our parental consciousness. She knows well that now IS an incredibly hard time to be kid, and she has seen how our damage as adults affects our parenting. But she has some answers — and tours the world speaking about this shift in parental consciousness. She is author of multi-award-winning book, “The Conscious Parent.”

Her TEDxTalk is powerful, and one of our favorites:

(Video below the transcript):

What is it that emotionally paralyzes us as adults? How is it that we may thrive at this thing called life? Inevitably when we try to answer those questions, our story turns to childhood. And each of us speak of a similar theme; of a hunger only a parent can appease and of a thirst only a parent can quench.

We grapple with our childhood problems long into adulthood. We seek and yearn for approval from our parents even as adults. Many adults visit psychiatrists and beg for help, asking, “Am I whole? Am I worthy? Do I matter?”

But we arrive at that office with a blueprint that is almost impossible even for a psychiatrist to undo. Their words do not seep in because another voice has been internalized, the voice of their parents. Now try erasing that first blueprint. It becomes to be the way we define ourselves. It becomes the air we breathe. Parents: No one holds a greater power or more immense responsibility.

We need to occupy the role of parenthood in an entirely new way, with a new curiosity, a heightened awareness, and transformed commitment. There is nothing like parenthood that needs to be at the forefront of our global consciousness. It affects everything- how our children will thrive, how they take care of themselves, each other, the earth, show compassion, tolerate differences, innovate, create and transform the world. This is where global transformation begins. And it all starts with us. We can’t expect for our children to hold a higher consciousness if we do not embody one ourselves.

And today, our own children face challenges beyond what we ever could have imagined. Evidence suggests they are buckling under the pressure. According to the surgeon general’s office, 1 in 5 children have signs of a mental health disorder. That is a hair-raising statistic. There has been a 274% global increase in prescriptions of ADHD drugs to children. In a 2007 UNICEF study, American kids rank the second unhappiest of all nations. In the UK, 1 in 10 children under 8 say they are unhappy.

Something is clearly amiss. We need to sit up, pay attention, and raise our children differently. Now of course there are many societal factors that can be involved or blamed for these shocking problems and statistics. But nothing – no one – outside a parent could be more influential in making a positive difference.

We each hold trans formative power. In each moment- in the moments where nothing is glamorous; moments where we help them brush their teeth, do their homework, clean their room and wipe their tears, we can be present and make a difference. There is real science that shows how the parental influence impacts a child’s neuroscience.

It is understandable that no parent sets out to be evil. Each parent intends to give love to their child to the best of their current ability. There is only one reason a parent hurts a child. It’s because we are hurting ourselves (and we probably don’t even know it.) It’s because we are unconscious, and have inherited legacies of emotional baggage from our parents. It lies unconscious, dormant, waiting to be woken. Until we have children.

When we lose our tempers with our children, chances are we lash out at them reactively because it has triggered something within us, somewhere inside we want supremacy, something we could not control. When we nitpick at our children, it is not because they are inadequate; it is because of our inner lack, a reflection of something within us that does not feel good enough.

When our children are disrespectful, chances are it is not because they are wild and chaotic; it is because we ourselves have a problem with our leadership, with handling conflict order and with saying no.

Our children come to us whole, complete and worthy – they are happy with 2 sticks, a stone and a feather -but because we have been so conditioned so deeply in an unconscious manner, so severed from our presence and sense of abundance, we project a sense of lack on them. We say do not trust yourself, look outside of yourself. And we teach them to look outward at material objects. The Ferrari, corner office or spouse. We are consumed by “doing.” This is how we create our own value.

We teach them, you cannot just play, you achieve. You can’t just have a hobby, you must excel at it. You cannot just dream, you must dream big. What’s the point in dreaming if you don’t go big?

It’s time to change the spotlight and turn it inward. Change it from being the child who needs to be fixed into parental evolution is the solution. The extent to which we know ourselves is the extent to which our children will. The extent we parents can love deeply, laugh loudly, risk bravely and lose freely -is the extent to which our children will know joy and freedom.

We can no longer play the role as the parent as “the greater than.” We must look at the children as our equal transforming agents. They are our teachers, our awakeners. It is time to answer the call -we must pause reflect more, listen, connect to our own abundance. Trust our children, understand their brilliance, allow their lead to self-love, to create purpose, to enter worth, to be in gratitude – because this is how our children will absorb wholeness and fullness and abundance. And from this place they can fly free.

We must answer our call to our own awakening. The moment is now and our children await.

I know that making some changes in my house is not going to be easy, but I’m going to start with consuming less…clothes, toys, beauty products, etc – and start spending more time outside in nature with the kids.  Does this talk hit home for you?  Where will you start? 

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3 Ways to Encourage Your Child to Live Their Life Purpose

We want the best for our child and we toil endlessly to make sure they get it. But what is their best? The gadgets and education we provide and save for are good, but is there more? Now that we are adults, what do we truly value? Our family and those we love are certainly at the top. Surprisingly, though, studies reveal that the #1 regret at death is not the desire to have shared more love, but this: Not having followed an inner calling; postponing a deep passion; and the loss of not courageously declaring and living one’s life purpose.

how to help your child find their life purpose

(photo: Our First Mate Barack Obama and His Mother)

It’s gutsy to live our life purpose, for to do so, we must prioritize our desires in the face of relentless day-in-day-out. Pursuing our life purpose often runs against the modicum, the safe and the reasonable. I am deeply moved as I write this- how do we prepare our child to live the life that quietly screams within them? Here are three ways to enliven your child’s ability to listen to and trust their inner voice; the ability to do this will yield better odds of no regrets at the end of their life.

Listen so your child feels heard. When we allow our child to talk to us and we listen fully, we do more than just pay attention- we increase their capacity to trust and believe in themselves. The granted request for attention says “I’m valuable. I’m important.” Take the concept further and consult your child’s wisdom on every day choices. Something as little as asking for their ‘expertise’ on which can of soup to buy- “I’m just not sure which one I should get- what do you think?” or “Should I use garlic in this or not?” will pull their esteem front and center. They don’t need to know that it’s your stealth method to strengthen their most vital muscle, the one they will depend on for the rest of their no-regrets life!

Invite your child to befriend their intuition. Spend time harvesting their inner feelings and hunches. Devote conversations to each others’ dreams and desires. This act will open the territory of talking to you during their teen years when they REALLY need you. When you’ve shown them that you’re available and happy to talk and spend time with them, they’ll feel safe exposing their meandering verbal journeys with you. This all will add up to their confidence on their inner path. Expose YOUR aimless verbal journeys to them, too. My son, Mark, and I spent hours jawing over our dreams, hopes and aspirations, and I believe that is why, even now that he’s 34, a happy husband and father of 3, that we still do. We built a life-long relationship on this.

Take 5 minutes each day and ask your child about their feelings. What did their inner voice say to them today? What did they sense about others in their interactions at school? Intuition is our most important tool. As we exercise it we develop its strength. Intuitional sensitivity will keep your child safe in a world that sometimes is not. Validate your child’s inner hunches by spending time with them on it and by sharing your own.

Practice these 3 ideas and add some great ones of your own. Watch an amazing connection develop with your child that keeps them going strong if their life’s path is not popular or others don’t understand it. This more than anything else will help your child live a life of no regrets- and THAT is one of the greatest gifts we can give out child!

What are some ways you encourage your child’s purpose?  Helpful exercises are always welcome!


If you liked this article, you might like these:  How to Tell If You Have a Spiritually Sensitive Child or Mindful Parenting.

About our guest columnist:

Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, The Parent Mentor, has devoted her life to helping families have harmony and balance. She’s a Marriage, Family and Child Counselor and a board certified educational therapist. Go to for your FREE radio show “The 12 Secrets to SAFE, HAPPY and CONFIDENT KIDS in the 21st Century”.

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